RE: Mr. Hammond

To: the employees of Nifty’s Coffee, 1st floor

RE: Mr. Hammond

ATTN all employees:

It has come to our attention that a few of you have been having problems with garbage detail, so I will restate this in memo form:

DO NOT open the side door, back door, maintenance door, fire escape door, 1st floor bathroom window, 2nd floor bathroom window, or engage the exhaust fans when Mr. Hammond is in sight.

Mr. Hammond DOES NOT know any of your relatives, alive or dead. He never served with your father, did not date your mother, and whenever your grandparents died, I’m quite sure he was not present.

DO NOT make eye contact with Mr. Hammond. If he should appear before the double-front doors, alert a senior staff member to the situation, keeping Mr. Hammond in sight at all times by his  reflection in a carafe. Nifty’s Coffee and by extension CitiCorp are exempt from all responsibility should you choose to disobey. (and no whining, check your employee waivers)

If you are outside when a sighting is made, make your way carefully to any nearby trash receptacle and seek shelter. DO NOT offer Mr. Hammond a cigarette should he ask for it, and for the love of all that is holy DO NOT offer to light it for him.

If Mr. Hammond pays a compliment to any individual body part, IMMEDIATELY run said part under cold water if possible, and enlist the aid of a fellow employee to douse it with the “special” fire extinguisher. You know the one. Failing that, a bath of 50% nondairy creamer/50% caustic soda should stave off any ill effects until you can be attended to. DO NOT substitute dairy for this process. If creamer is unavailable, the spittle of a windblown virgin may be substituted. (this means YOU Kevin)

Cleaning shifts will be done in pairs from now on, preferably by twins, preferably by identical twins. Should Mr. Hammond make off with your sibling, Nifty’s Coffee will compensate with up to two week’s paid personal leave. Any employee suspected to be harboring fetus in fetu will be asked to leave immediately.

If any dairy dispenser should spontaneously fill with blood and/or human bile, simply empty it into the nearest sink and get an empty from behind the counter. DO NOT contact the health department, at least until the agent who touched Mr. Hammond stops vomiting bees.

Finally, and this should really be unnecessary by now, Mr. Hammond must never be let inside. Ever. Fully ¾ of the Wik ‘r Basket across the street is uninhabitable, and we at Nifty’s would like to keep up our proud tradition of quality coffee and low 34% employee mortality rate.

Remember, if you feel yourself becoming sympathetic to his plight in any way, or start hearing voices in your head that do not belong to you, we at Nifty’s are here for you. Don’t be afraid to approach us with any problems/queries/hellish visions of the future, at any time. Discount any feelings of empathy arising towards Mr. Hammond because, whatever he was, Mr. Hammond is no longer human.

Thank you and please forward any questions about paychecks to Barb before 5:00.

—The Management


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