JULIEISMINE

08/15/09
From: jayisschway@[redacted]mail.com
To:  troy250@[redacted].com
Subj: HI

Hey man, dunno if you remember me or not. Its Jay! How’ve you been, man? I was just strolling through the interwebz when I stumbled on your profile. Hell, how many years has it been? Nerding out in Mrs. Haver’s phys class and lazertag every Saturday?

Just wanted to drop you a line and see how you’re doing, man. Ever figure out bodyspray? (lol j/k)

08/15/09
From: troy250@[redacted].com
To: jayisschway@[redacted]@mail.com
[no subject]

FUCK OFF

08/17/09
From: jayisschway@[redacted]mail.com
To: troy250@[redacted].com
Subj: WHOA DUDE

I get that this is pretty much out of the blue, but is that really called for? It was the bodyspray joke, wasn’t it. Forget I said it. The ladies totally go for the natural pheromones anyway.

C’mon, you don’t need to be like this. was it something I did? If it was and I don’t remember it, I totally apologize, dude. I’m sure I didn’t think you’d still be sore about it after all this time, whatever it was.

Hey, remember the time we clocked those douchebags from [redacted] High? you were all “let’s go deathblossom on ‘em” and I was all like “that’s not a real thing dude” and you totally went in and did it anyway? then I went in and scooped you out from under them and kept scoring? Good times.

Let’s remember the good times.

08/20/09
From: troy250@[redacted].com
To: jayisschway@[redacted]mail.com
[no subject]

JULIE IS MINE

08/23/09
From: jayisschway@[redacted]mail.com
To: troy250@[redacted].com
Subj: um okay

Is Julie your new squeeze  or sumthing dude? You don’t have to worry about me anyway, my wolf days are over. Plus I think we’re like, at opposite ends of the country from each other now.

All I want is to talk and be bros, dude, that’s all I want.

08/25/09
From: troy250@[redacted].com
To: jayisschway@[redacted]mail.com
[no subject]

I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. JULIE IS MINE AND NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL CHANGE THAT. I’M BEHIND SEVEN PROXIES AND IVE GOT SHIT YOU NEVER EVEN HEARD OF

DON’T EVEN FUCKING TRY ME MOTHERFCUKER

08/27/09
From: jayisschway@[redacted]mail.com
To: troy250@[redacted].com
Subj: really?

Whoa dude, whoa. What’s with the third degree? You don’t have to bust out your CompSCI shit at me, what the hell is that all about? It’s jay, remember? Jaybird? The cluster f-bomb is un-fucking-called for(pardon my French) and if you just want me to go, say go. I don’t have to hang around with people who don’t like me, I get enough of that at home. (lol j/k)

I don’t know who this juli chick is but you’re starting to worry me. Have you been to a counselor or what, it sounds like she’s got you by the scrote and won’t let go. Is she telling you not to talk to me? Cause that sounds like controlling shit you shouldn’t put up with.

Seriously, we’re bros aren’t we? We did a bunch of dumb teenage shit together, i.e. “male bonding” that I thought could survive more of a test than this. you make me sad, dude. Kinda feels like nothing’s worth anything now. Brought me down. Hope it was worth it.

08/28/09
From: troy250@[redacted].com
To: jayisschway@[redacted]mail.com
[no subject]

LAST WARNING MOTHERFUCKER. STOP CONTACTING ME OR I WILL CALL THE MOTHERFUCKING COPS AND HAVE THEM UP YOUR ASS IN A SECOND. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, JULIE IS MINE AND ONLY MINE.

FUCK OFF AND DIE.

09/01/09
From: jayisschway@[redacted]mail.com
To: troy250@[redacted].com
Subj: WTF

COPS? You’re bringing COPS into this? for what? All that’s gonna do is make you look paranoid, dude, and they check pupils over frivolous calls. Ask yourself, is an internet war really worth it? I don’t think they take kindly to this kind of crap, especially from a former pothead.

Can’t we just talk like normal guys? You don’t have to bust out this dirty harry shit, I know you haven’t gone soft since your DM days(lol j/k), and bring your GF into it. Bros before ho’s, dude. Ask yourself, is she really worth it?

I just wannna talk. Shoot the shit. Like old times.

09/03/09
From: troy250@[redacted].com
To: jayisschway@[redacted]mail.com
[no subject]

YOU IGNORED MY WARNING MOTHER FUCKER NOW I HOPE YOU ENJOY A NIGHTSTICK UP YOUR ASS I JUST CALLED THEM AND THEY’LL BE ON THEIR WAY IN TEN MINUTES YOU’LL GO TO A NICE POUND-ME-IN THE-ASS PRISON SEE IF YOU GET EMAIL THEN HAHA

09/03/09
From: jayisschway@[redacted]mail.com
To: troy250@[redacted].com
Subj: well then

I tried to be civil, but I guess that’s kind of lost on you. I just wanted to be bros, why’d you have to bring cops into it? You flipped out on me with no provocation whatsoever, so this isn’t really on me anymore, is it?

I’m worried about you, man. Like, really worried. I think I’m going to come over and check on you, make sure you haven’t done anything stupid. Be there in about five.

Don’t bother hiding. Old friends don’t hide from each other.

12/05/09
From: jayisschway@[redacted]mail.com
To: brianbransky99@[redacted]mail.edu
Subj: hey guy

Hey Bri, how’s it hanging! Remember Jaybird? The don of the trenchcoat mafia at [redacted] High? It’s been a while!

Wish I was contacting you under happier circumstances, but you know how Troy bit it a little while ago? He contacted me out of the blue just before that, asked me to “take care of Julie” You were a little closer to him then I was, does that ring any bells for you?

Anyway, it’s nice to catch up. Hope to hear from you soon, man.

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2 Comments

Filed under fiction

2 responses to “JULIEISMINE

  1. Fatesjoke03

    Okay, that was fucking awesome!!

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