Simon’s story(Saturday afternoon)

Very few people know this, but Roses are the laziest flower. They fall behind morning glories, kudzu, even Indian pipe, which is so lazy it won’t even make its own chlorophyll.

The other flowers would plan housewarming parties or invite it to pub crawls, but all it would want to do is watch TV on its girlfriend’s couch. Whenever anyone needed help moving, Rose was full of excuses. I have a headache, it’s a bad air day, my roots have no mobility, blah, blah, blah.

The other flowers were planning a trip to China, to celebrate Bamboo getting a new job, but Rose just sat around on his girlfriend’s couch and watched television. The other flowers knew they had to do something so they complained to China.

So China sat down and talked to the Rose, which is a difficult thing to do if you’re an entire country, but Rose wouldn’t even turn the volume down.

So China asked, “Could you turn the volume down?”

And Rose said, “It’s my favorite show.”

And then China said, “It’s a commercial!”

And Rose replied, “yeah, but if I mute it I might miss when it comes back on.”

So China sat on the TV and then told Rose he was being too lazy.

And Rose said “I was watching that!”

And China said “it’ll be on again. Did you hear me? I said you’re so lazy your roots are starting to put down roots. We all want you to get off the couch and go outside.”

And Rose said, “You’re not the boss of me.”

And China said “that’s because I fired you for sleeping on the job.”

And Rose said, “You fired me because you’re uptight.”

And China said, “Look, everyone’s worried about you, and your girlfriend says you’re eating all her food. Either get up and do something, or I’ll have to send you into outer space.”

But the Rose just went “buh,” so China portaled Rose into the outer limits of the solar system and left him there. Rose didn’t mind because he got to hang out with Jupiter, the laziest of planets. But then Saturn and Neptune got together and kicked him back to Earth because he was leaving garbage all over space.

After that the Rose just bummed around the insect kingdom for a while, but they would only let him stay if he let aphids suck his blood. Then he lost the title of “laziest plant” to the Cactus, but that’s a story for a different day.

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