Princess Bighands, a fairy tale for disappointing children

Once upon a time there was a princess who was born just kind of okay-looking, so the fairy invited to her christening ran out of ideas for gifts to give her and decided to give her the biggest hands in the county. This was a problem when she was a baby, because instead of petting kitties she would smash them flat.

Then when she became a little girl they were the biggest hands in the country. Every time she tried to wave hi to anyone she would accidentally give them a black eye. She had to be careful when clapping because the sonic boom created from her hands would shatter glass. And every time she snapped she would start a fire.

The problem got so bad she went to a wizard to shrink her hands. The wizard was smoking a pipe so long it reached up the chimney.

“What seems to be the problem?” he asked.

“My hands are lethal weapons,” she said, resting them on the sofa and squashing his wizard cat, “the last time I hi-fived someone I wiped out his entire family. Can you help me?”

The wizard rolled up his sleeves. “Of course, I can fix it so you wipe out his entire bloodline.”

And the princess said, “No, no, I want normal-sized hands.”

The wizard laughed a hearty wizard laugh. “I haven’t heard such a ridiculous request since King Evilkitty the first told me to kill all the first-borns in the kingdom. If anything, your hands are too small! They should block out the sun!”

The wizard was obviously off his conker so the princess punched his entire life and left.

The princess was all out ideas to help her kingdom so she decided to take up boxing. But the first punch she threw made an entire species of mink go extinct. Then when she was retracting the punch, she made a wind tunnel that destroyed the cash crop of soybeans. So her subjects sent her to live in the mountains with all the other oddly shaped people they wanted to get rid of. There she met the boy with no nose, a man shaped like a key, and a rabbit in a cat’s body. When she saw the caves they had to live in, she sat down and cried princess  tears, which are like normal tears but slightly oily with a hint of orange peel.

“Don’t cry,” said the boy with no nose, “your tears will attract wolverines!”

“I can’t stop crying,” the princess cried, “I have to live in a smelly cave just because my hands kill people.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” said the man shaped like a key, “say what you will about our deformities, at least they don’t kill people. You can sleep outside.”

At that, the princess cried harder, and in trying to rub her eyes she accidentally knocked herself out. When she awoke she found a lovely fairy hovering over her.

“Hello, princess,” she said, “I’m here to grant you a wish.”

“Cripes!” said the princess, “if you could do this the entire time, why’d you wait until I was all miserable?”

The fairy laughed like a drag queen. “then you wouldn’t have learned your lesson.”

“What lesson, magic people are jerks?” the princess asked. “’Cause I think I’ve learned that one pretty well.”

“Hush,” said the fairy, “your troubles are now over: behold!”

And a beautiful, shimmery, beautiful shimmer settled on her hands, and when the blinding flash faded, the princess now had squid tentacles for hands.

“What the barf?” the princess said, “you’ve just made my problem grosser. I thought you were going to help!”

The fairy said, “but now you won’t crush people with your hands, and you can get things out of very narrow bottles, it’s win-win!”

The princess sighed. “No it isn’t, but if you try again you’ll probably make something even dumber. I guess I’ll stay with this.” And with that she turned to her loyal subjects.

“To you, my fellow freaks, I bequeath special positions within my kingdom.”

To the boy with no nose she said, “you, boy, shall be the keeper of royal tissues.” And the boy put his face in his hands and cried and cried.

To the rabbit in the cat’s body she gave a collar with a nametag that said “rabbit.” And he didn’t really say anything because, well, cat.

And to the man shaped like a key she said, “ And you shall be our royal key.”

“Wait, no,” said the man shaped like the key, “I hate being shoved into doors and getting all bruised, it’s why I moved out here.”

“Well, suck it up,” the princess said, “you’re doing it.”

And so princess Bighands became princess Squidhands. And everyone was happy except for visiting dignitaries who had to brave that handshake. Urgh.


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