Rules for the Custodial Staff in Building 3-A

  • Double-check all switches
  • Don’t use bleach-based cleanser in the staff bathroom.
  • Nobody huff the aerosol cans until we figure out what killed McNeely.
  • Rounds are to be conducted in pairs of two. Make sure the person you’re working your shift with actually exists.
  • Yes, we know the breaker box won’t stop moaning. No, duct tape will not fix it.
  • Professor Farbes hasn’t worked here in years, in fact no business in the building employs dead people.
  • The stain on the second floor isn’t going to come out.
  • Everybody needs to contribute $2 to the coffee fund in order for it to work. That means you, Christopher.
  • If you have a preexisting mental condition, let us know. If it only started up when you started working here, keep it to yourself.
  • Ignore all calls for maintenance on the seventh floor. There is no seventh floor.
  • Carry a spare flashlight battery with you on your rounds. Torch burns out, pop in the spare. Spare dies, bust a hump outta there.
  • No one touch McNeely until we figure out what manner of apparition he is.
  • Sick days are not vacation days.
  • The door to the custodial closet on the ground floor should lead only to the custodial closet. If it leads anywhere else, obey your better instincts and don’t go in.
  • For the love of god, someone get McNeely some duct tape.
  • Ignore all emergency broadcasts not preceded by the GEB signal. That goes double for broadcasts that encourage you to remove your clothes and wait in the parking garage.
  • The staff refrigerator is off-limits until further notice.
  • No wives on duty.
  • No stuffing anyone’s wife in the staff refrigerator. This means you, Christopher.
  • Any apparitions, spectres, phenomena and/or willies are to be written up in the spectral report sheet. And no “shit got real.” Use your big boy words.
  • Toilet paper is not a toy.
  • If you bring your friends in on-shift to get high and dick around with you, do the world a favor and paint a big, red target on your ass while you’re at it.
  • Someone break up Farbes and McNeely, it’s getting creepy.
  • Everybody needs to contribute $5 to Hector’s widow. This goes double for you, Christopher. Nobody buys the “it just went off” theory.
  • The head custodian is out of commission until further notice.
  • And no, McNeely is not in charge
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