Mount Presidio Ranger Dispatch

There are no houses on Mount Presidio.

To repeat, there are no houses on Mount Presidio.

There are no log cabins, chalets, hunter’s lodges, skier’s lodges, mansions, or forts.

There are no residents of Mount Presidio. There are no houses on Mount Presidio therefore no one can live there.

Radio contact with anyone attempting to climb Mount Presidio must be pursued cautiously. If they start to describe terrain that does not exist, it is a prank and you must disconnect. If your radio contact begins to change pitch, tone, accent, speed, or resonance without due cause, you must disconnect. If your radio contact begins screaming, ask if they can calm down and describe what they see. If they cannot, you must disconnect. If what they are describing does not exist, you must disconnect.

There are no search parties formed at the Mount Presidio Ranger Station. To repeat, you are not to form any kind of rescue party: one-, two- or multiple-person rescue parties are all equally prohibited. You are not to risk your life, or the life of any other ranger on duty, to pursue any kind of mountain phenomena.

Rangers are to treat the land from elevation 220 meters-onward as a death zone. Nothing can support itself past that point, and attempting to do so is unnecessarily risking your life or the life of your partner. Remember, there are no houses on Mount Presidio, and therefore nowhere to shelter. Any and all rescue parties continuing past that point will be counted as lost. No rescue party continuing past that point has ever returned successfully.

Do not rely on the weather on Mount Presidio. We lie on a temperate climate zone, but weather behaves differently on the mountain, up to and including rapid shifts in temperature, sudden strong winds, freak hail- thunder- and snowstorms have all been observed.

There is no native reservation on Mount Presidio. There has never been any archeological evidence found of a tribe living on Mount Presidio. Any elderly native man wearing a Grateful Dead t-shirt and red moccasins should not be taken as a guide. No matter how desperate you might feel, do not follow this man.

Remember, the Presidio ranger station has had a hard run of safety violations. You are not just responsible for your life, but the lives of your co-workers and the integrity of the station as a whole.

The Mount Presidio Station has had has had a total of forty-three ranger disappearances since 1965. Don’t be number forty-four.

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