Tag Archives: prose poem

Mister Seahorse

He hadn’t wanted to return to the beach

the memory swilled inside him like a poison, never far, ready to clench his body in remembrance of pain, lash its tongue across his life to let him know:

it happened

he hadn’t wanted to go back to work

but they would notice. weeks of gastric upset, of furtive glances and hiding his oozing nipples, but absence was the one thing he could not, would not be able to explain to his coworkers. to avoid clenching when asked the old saw: what did you do for vacation? to lie as he ran his tongue over his teeth, still tasting iron and salt, tasting her, and smiling blandly: went to the beach.

he hadn’t wanted to get out of the car.

he could see from the road the distance he had swum, and now the image made acid back up in his throat. so far, so foolish. there were signs warning of riptide, but that hadn’t been the danger. the danger had been his own misplaced heroism, his idiot impulse to save and be seen. to look up and see what looked like a woman out on the rocks.

he hadn’t wanted to go on living

but something made him do it. he considered taking his own life, before he even considered a doctor, but both trains of thought were abandoned. if he forgot about it, it was like it never happened

except it did

he hadn’t wanted to set foot on the sand

he supposed the first mermaid must’ve been Venus, arising from the foam of Uranus’s severed head to set one virgin white foot on the shore. born of sea-foam, like the later daughters of Neptune, immutable, intractable,

fecund

he hadn’t wanted to swim out

too far at first because he feared the riptide. now he missed the world where the worst thing he had to worry about was getting dragged out to sea. a world where the mass he saw on the rocks, far from shore, looked a bit like a woman lounging on her side. where he, caught up in a playfully mythic spirit, called out to her. a world that ended shortly before “she” shifted, and he saw that the figure was only the top of something very, very, very big

he hadn’t wanted to come back

but there was nothing left. it was harder and harder to hide his growing bulk from his coworkers, excuse away the frequent abdominal pain, the vivid red slashes that decorated his back and buttocks as if something had grasped him to stop him thrashing—

he hadn’t wanted to get back in the water

but he did. he shed his shirt and shorts, kicking off his shoes in the tide. he half-hoped there was someone around to see him, someone who would call the police and arrest this indecent exposer, but he was alone. as he began to tread water, alone. as he fell into a simple breast stroke, alone. as the rip tide pulled him not out to sea, but to a familiar gathering of rocks, alone. as the pain became unbearable, alone.

and, as he gave birth in a tide of red foam, he wondered if they would call it Venus.

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A List of Firsts

First kiss

Eddie. Kindergarten. I did it because it was funny. He had a bad Mohawk his mom had done at home. The other kids giggled and screamed when we kissed. It lasted a day.

First hug

I barely knew him. Leaving a friend’s house, winding a scarf around my neck. He stepped in close and I dodged left because I thought he was reaching behind me for something. He caught me with the other arm. I could still smell his cologne on me after.

First lay

We were nervous. We were neither very interested in the other. He asked me, as we got our clothes on afterward, whether I thought it was worth it. I said, “sure,” as flippantly as I could.

First burn

His nail scraped my knuckle as he withdrew his hand from a doorknob. I had been reaching for the light switch and flinched back when he grazed me. He caught my hand in both of his. “Sorry,” he said, “sorry.” It only bled after he left.

First cruelty

He insulted my tastes, insulted my friends, insulted my family without ever realizing it. I put him on a slow burn, finding thousands of little ways to kill him every day. The thousandth blow was a trip I had alluded to but hadn’t explicitly mentioned. He showed up at my house the day of. I called him from the car.

First obsession

I don’t know if he even exists, but I find his eyelashes in men I see on the street. Commuters in the morning bear his chin. There are those close enough to him that they could be his brothers, strangers all. I am sick with him for days at a time.

First embarrassment

This one seemed so much more than me. My grocery list of dysfunctions was no match for his utter normality. He had come from a place where there were no raised voices. I spilled soda on him during karaoke. While he fetched napkins, I snuck out the side door.

First fear

He didn’t even love me. But he couldn’t stand the idea of not having me. I endured slow, steady weeks of poison. I gained a pardon when he fell in with an ex. He kept my stereo as compensation.

First disappointment

He was gay. How could I not see he was gay? Worse, his boyfriend was spectacular. I was denied the luxury of hating either of them.

First death

He told me “I feel like I don’t even know you,” across the table at Denny’s. I had nothing to say to that. I sat staring at the snow outside long after he left.

First fall

Have you ever suspended gravity for someone for a brief period of time? It’s never for a good reason, either. They asked you to lift your foot, and you upend the world.

First conflict

I’m sorry. I really, really, really don’t like the things you like. I can’t keep quiet on them anymore because you keep shoving them in my face. I’m sorry. I don’t even know what I like about you anymore. I can’t stand Madonna, hate spice, and utterly loathe Wes Anderson. Sorry. Not sorry.

First night

We sat on a bridge, I think. Snow was drifting down. After a while he said, “We should go.” Neither of us got up. Eventually my hand found his pocket. He was warm.

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7 Bites of Lovecraft

Rot

The first thing that hits him is the smell. The stench of shit that somebody tried to cover up with a sugary-sweet votive candle. It makes his eyes sweat. He gags, “Jesus,” into his sleeve. Their quarry is, ironically, nowhere near the toilet. Poor bastard swelled ten times his size, and weighs as much as a basketball. The petroglyph’s cord punctures skin, lets out a swell of gas like an exclamation. He does throw up then.

Worship

Bodies kink and judder before him. Even without the lasers it would be surreal. His contact is fishing mushrooms from a plastic baggie, dealing to a bunch of suburb kids disguised as ravers. He lowers his balaclava and yells –side hall, men’s room—as if he could be heard over the beat. The contact has more than ears, though. Even when their deal is done, he’s not sure what he saw. The kids stand still as he leaves, mouths open like turkeys in the rain, breathing spores like smoke.

Incunabula

The antiquarian smiles and slops tea over the sides of a Wedgewood cup. It’s a good brew, smells of stiff poison. He’s almost sad he won’t get to drink it. There, the man’s finger points, there and there. There are books, yes, but then anything can be a book. He eyes the paperweight as Latin texts are thrust beneath his nose and fingers his watch. Sigils older than Rome creep under glass. Sometimes meaning transcends language.

Virus

Some thoughts spread like wildfire. Others like pox. He catches a little tune on the train to Providence and nearly loses himself to it. It’s everywhere right now. Such a catchy beat nobody notices the tribal rhythm beneath it, the hungry harmonies. He takes a pill to drown it out, but others aren’t so lucky. He disembarks to the news of a rash of sleeping sickness.

Sermon

The worm that walks is a friendly fellow if you catch him in the right mood. He’s got a smooth pitch and a firm yet yielding handshake. He’s got a healthy following, a good portion of the middle United States leaves their homes to camp hungry and destitute on the road with him. His poison is the unadulterated truth, and leaches into everything.

Museum

Light glints from cases of Jasper and Calcite while the sign before him proclaims this limestone block to be the largest Crinoid specimen found in the basin. The odd eye-shaped marks along the stern apparently hadn’t disturbed the man who unearthed them, though presumably they hadn’t blinked as they do now. He walks out with a heavier coat and the theft is never solved.

End

The word apocalypse means “rending of the veil,” not the end of all things, he tells her, but she is in no mood to bandy semantics. Something immeasurably huge parts the distance and she screams with her whole body, a primal scream that recalls ancestors just beginning to walk upright. He finds her lovelier than anything then, and would give much to preserve this moment just like it is. The sky vomits a blind sun and his wish is granted.

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Do they need chlorine?

“I’ll meet you through the doors of sleep,” she said.

After the accident I buried her eyes in the desert and headed out west. Seemed the logical thing to do.

You know California was all ocean? Anyone claiming to find a dinosaur bone in the Mojave valley is a goddamn liar.

I found their street front. The brethren were looking a little on the raggedy side, their habits didn’t quite cover their gills.

“Here,” I said, flipping the old almanac their way, “keep the change.”

Burnt motor oil and fish tacos smell surprisingly like grief.

I sat on the hood of my car and watched the sea seethe. Funny how the sun never runs away when you want it to.

I found a working girl watching me. She was a slight thing of pipe cleaners, red hair. Shy.

“I came out here to be in movies,” she tells the floor.

“Aren’t we all?” I ask.

Something like a shuggoth doesn’t leave a skeleton, only a bald, bare patch of oily space where it used to be. Damn nuisances. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live with ‘em.

For our first date, she took me all the way back.

“I kind of really wanted you to see this,” she says. Dimple in her cheek.

The universe explodes with a sound like “meh.”

I wake up and spit out seawater. My AC never kicked in. That was LA.

Her dad had his ashes scattered in ‘Nam by a pretty hooker. She made me promise not to divide her up so much that she could never come back together. The car did that for me, neatly.

Sometimes I wonder what I would be if I had finished twelfth grade.

Just for funsies, I smoke an entire pack of camels. Homeless dude dressed like a Santa pimp glares at my selfishness. A cop shows up and rattles the fence tines. Do I look homeless?

85 miles to Bodega bay, and my car transcends without me. I sit on my hood with her under my arm. Try to make her voice. “Hush.”

Around Thursday, I realize I haven’t slept in 78 hours. Depth perception goes. Coffee won’t do it anymore. Where is magnetic south?

A dream in the desert is like God touching my tongue. The whisperer shows me a rock where water lives. To stave off death, I cram peyote down my gullet for the trip. It barely makes a dent.

UCLA has their dig here. Some wag found what he called a tyrannic cephalopod. I know God is dead. But God leaves no fossil.

Some of her family walked with kinked necks. She had trouble closing her eyes. I loved her, for all that she was.

The world hasn’t made sense for approximately four days.

I get caught sneaking in under cover of afternoon. They rip her out from under my arm and let her escape into the desert air. My tears dried up somewhere around Texas.

I dream of water. There is a crater when I wake up. Some, somewhere, smiles for no particular reason.

I’m chapped. If there’s anything worth living for between here and a smoking wreck in New Jersey, speak now or forever hold your piece.

I wonder if heaven has a swimming pool.

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Notes Found on the Bulletin Board at Spoke County Community Center

Lost dog: call XXX-9678

Elocution lessons: learn how to speak good.

Slightly used Edsel:
Good condition
Hasn’t been driven since it ate my cat
Slight urine smell
Seats 3 comfortably

Dog missing: call XXX-9678

Is your religion the right one for you?
folloW thE brothers of the WhIte faLL
EArly TuesdaY OUtdoor meet ‘n greet!
Get a free hotdog and some soul counseling!

Found: toolbox
Some spanners, new hammer with suspicious stain on head
O-T-I-S painted on inside

Lose weight now, ask me how!

im reading this over your shoulder
……you dont scare me josh
………….yes i do
………………..stop leaving your bullshit on this board, I need to find my dog.

Free park concert:
Ichthys(a Phish coverband)
your favorite jam grooves, with a minty Christ flavor!
Phish sucks

Found dog: call XXX-9678

Lose wait not, ask me why!

AA meeting has been relocated from the dayroom
for Baseball card stop ‘n swap. Meeting will
take place at First Community Christchurch
one block down.

Estate sale: the late Jeremiah Melton
Hoarder house open to public!
“Whatever you don’t cart away, I’m gonna
burn.” –Steve Melton, grandnephew.

Self-defense classes now available
Rodney McManus, former Police Chief
and (accused and exonerated) sex offender will
give you the basics of how to deal with an attacker!

Loze wit new, axe me out

Twice as Nice adult novelties sidewalk sale!
Gently used personal massagers, kegel weights, and more!
Ask to see if you qualify for our “frequent flier” discount!

Call me: XXX-9678

Frank, I think I have your keys. Which begs the
question of how you got in last night.
I bought a gun, just fyi.

Come eat pizza with me: XXX-5540
I won’t feel you up or nothing
why you gotta be like that?

I don’t know who took my dog but the sumbitch won’t stop humming

Lot er fryt, ię tukk ph’r nkbütah

Stop taking my messages down, you dicks!

Found: Edsel
Please call XXX-1138
it ate my cat

 

Sandy I know you can read this: XXX-9678

I SEE YOU

Deus absconditus
Deus nisi deus
Deus nullus deus

Iä iä y’g nwy chtulu vad’en

CALL ME CALL ME CALL ME
CALL ME CALL ME CALL ME
CALL ME CALL ME CALL ME
CALL ME CALL ME CALL ME
CALL ME CALL ME CALL ME
CALL ME

Needed: exorcist.
Must be classically trained, take chest wounds well
NO EPISCOPALIANS!!

Lose weight. Now ask me how.

Found: ax
slight stain
O-T-I-S carved into handle
Call XXX-9678

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and you ran and

special thanks to fatesjoke, for his indespensible advice
~~~~

You

a man

smart man

chosen for your lingual prowess among the University staff

would trade anything to be in their place right now and unmake the last few hours and boil the words from your brain

you smart man

city man

what are you doing here in the mountains?

what possessed you besides the temporary insanity of adventure?

(why oh why oh why did you say yes)

yes you scoffed cigarettes and laughed with the others

laughed like men with no concept of death

you were soft (couch-softened comfort even in your nylon-poly-parka)

you all laughed in your eggshell of glass and steel

(can’t remember what it’s like to laugh forgotten even how to blink)

you struggled up mountain passes rimed with ice so that when the sun touched them they lit up like heaven around you and even running you could spare a thought for how pretty it was until you tripped

slipped

and Jennings reached over to catch your clumsy ass (solid academic fat second only to the collection of it in your head)

and Jennings is solid Nordic bone and stiff muscle

Jennings is solid pragmatism and sanity but Jennings runs too

and Jennings went hurtling over the edge and

he fell and

fell

Jennings who shared milky coffee and laughed with you on the ride up (academic like you going up to the summit for god-knows-what)

Jennings who was right behind you

who was right behind Quincy

who was the first to see inside the chamber (open after who knows how long made by who knows what but struck open by you proud pilgrims of science)

opened with a belch of stale air right in Quincy’s face

and he screamed and

you screamed

only now the sound won’t come out and air feels like ice in your lungs

you stand

but in your heart you know it’s over

even before you start running

you are 5 years of university breakfasts slapped over a cold skeleton

you are ice shards and sobbing fear

you are second in line

Quincy was the first in line and

Quincy was the first to get a good look inside the box

it was a box

it was prison bars and locks

it was stones and timbers to keep something in but could not keep you out

you set it free

and Quincy screamed but what was the point

no one else was around to hear it but you

you couldn’t hear it when it really mattered (on the ride up)

when you could’ve turned around and abandoned it to time

but you hadn’t heard and

you came and

you read and

told them how to open (spurred them with your tongue you smart bastard)

you saw the warning but didn’t say

you assumed they knew

they had to know

but Quincy looked awfully surprised and

they scattered like ice shards

no plans

they scattered

but you ran

and you ran

while it occupied itself with the others and

what were you planning to do fly out of here yourself? Jennings was strong and

Jennings was skilled but

Jennings was only a mountaineer

who fumbled for his ice axe as he ran

like you fumbled for words in your mind

something

anything

and you remembered too late that they only said never to open

never how to put it back

maybe they were sure

so sure

no one could be as dumb as you

or maybe

maybe

there is no “Back” to put it in

they were lucky

they knew they were lucky

and you were dumb

doctorate in languages but you were dumb you forgot

dead languages die for a reason

no one is left to keep them alive

no one left with a warning on their tongue

and now you run and

is it gaining? you never saw what it looked like but Quincy did and

Quincy died and he died so hard part of him hit the back of your head as you ran and

you ran and

Quincy was a volunteer firefighter who ran in his spare time

Quincy was a claymore mine of flesh

you didn’t turn back to look behind you at what clutched at your arm

maybe Phillips

maybe not

you watched Burbridge by the entrance crumble

he could have run

but his eyes were behind you

your eyes were beyond him

on freedom

what did he see?

is it behind you?

it’s behind you and

pain splits your side and

you run but you can’t run forever and

there falls Jennings to the crag below

Jennings is white bone and red meat

Jennings is sanity and milky coffee

his life ends in a bright wet splash and you fall

to your knees and grab at breath

surely it must be behind you but you check and nothing’s there

nothing?

it isn’t behind you

you’re alive and

you want to cry and

you gasp for joy

your lungs burn but you are alive

and in celebration you look down to

 

nothing

there is no below

no crag

nothing is swallowing up the mountain

they said never to open they never said how to put back and

they never said what was in the box nothing was in the box Nothing was in the box

and you gasp and

your mind clutches at thought

like Jennings clutched the air

but the fight has leaked out of you

you can’t run

there is nowhere to go

and it’s gaining

but you try anyway

you run

blind panic stirring your feet

you are broken bars and alarms, you are fat fear heaving on the ice

you reach camp

keep going

you reach the chopper

and keep going maybe if you run fast enough

far enough

and the sun suddenly shows

one last time

and all around you lights up with cold beauty

dazzling

and you can still spare a thought for how pretty it is when you trip

again and

you are falling and

you are flying and

eternity is yawning up to meet you

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